


Insecurities

by ButyournotCalumHood



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5, 5SOS - Freeform, Affection, Ashton Irwin - Freeform, Ashton fletcher irwin, Australia, Book - Freeform, Broken Heart, Calum Hood - Freeform, F/M, Fame, Fanfiction, Fangirls, Frat Boy Calum, Friendship, Happy, Insecurities, Love, Love Story, Love Triangles, Luke Hemmings - Freeform, Luke robert hemmings, Michael Clifford - Freeform, OF, Read, Sad, Sex, Summer, calum thomas hood, insecure, michael gordon cifford, my, please, seconds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4231623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButyournotCalumHood/pseuds/ButyournotCalumHood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All she wanted was the attention of her ex..she manipulated his best friend to get revenge…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Permanent Scars

I closed my eyes as hard as possible. I couldn't believe what was happening. My heart felt like it was in flames.

"Why did I go over the edge, I can't live without him" I thought, as a tear escaped my eye.

As I wiped my tears, I looked at the bathroom door. It felt like it was the most noticeable room in the house. I tried to signal my body not to even bother to think about a sharp object, but I couldn't resist. I scattered everything around, until I found a razor. Taking deep breathes I pushed the razor on my skin, pulling it down. At the moment all I thought of was how it was me who made the love of my life walk out the door. I watch the blood slowly dripping down the drain. The burning sting in my arms ran through my body. I poured cold water on my fresh cuts to stop the bleeding.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I laid in bed, still think about HIM. I turned to my phone waiting for him to just call me and work things out, like all the other times when we fought. The thing is we had such a toxic relationship. Mostly I made it toxic, with all my insecurities and grudges whatsoever. He would usually try to make me heal, but he would also would get frustrated at times and point out more flaws. His words cut like knifes, giving permanent scars. Other times I would feel insecure when he met some fans. Most of those girls had flat bellies, thigh gaps, perfect hair, and Barbie looking faces. I started thinking about the good times we had. Like the times when he would take me out to dinner, and held my hand. It felt like mines fit in his like a puzzle piece. He would randomly kiss my cheek and admire me. Then after dinner we would take a walk on the beach. Soaking in the smell of wet sand. He would repeat to me those beautiful three words, like a scratched CD, then he would walk me home taking his time, as if he didn't want to leave me.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. As I lifted myself up and looked around I asked myself why was I alone the previous night. Lost in confusion, I explored the house, until it hit me, Calum wasn't mine anymore. The pain crashed into me, so hard that I collapsed on the ground and began crying. After I didn't have a tear drop left I decided to check my phone and see if he had left any trace of wanting me back. Nope. I was sure I screw up this time, until I heard a knock on the door.

I inhaled deeply, expecting Calum to be in the front door begging for me to take him back. As I approached the door I thought of a million ways to not seem like I didn't need him again. I wanted to seem like I would take him back because I had pity for him. I opened the door to a serious tall figure. His dark eyes avoiding contact with mine. He cleared his throat.

"I came to get my things" he said.

I moved aside from the door, motioning him to pass. As I glanced as his direction, he rushed upstairs to the room we both once shared. I wondered if he was trying to play it cool as well. I stared at the ground trying to not break down again. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he awkwardly stood there.

"Calum I-" I started.

"Don't. Just don't. We can't go through this again, it needs to stop. Although it hurts we must end this" he said, with a serious tone " I love you but for you, everything I do is against you. If I talk to a fan, you think I don't love you anymore, if I talk to some lads, you will think I don't want to spend time with you."

My lips started trembling. Unsure of what to respond; I just kept my head low. He had no clue how much I loved him. I only acted like that sometimes because I loved him and I didn't want him to leave me for someone better looking.

"I just didn't want to lose you. Calum I love you." I said, with a tear escaping my eye.

He seemed unsure if to hug me or not. He quickly glared at the door unsure if to just walk away and suck in the pain. He took a deep breathe and looked right in my eyes. He lifted up my chin so my eyes met his.

"I love you too but, we are always arguing and hurting each other. "We can't do this again, I'm sorry" he shouted, turning to walk towards the door. The moment he walks out for the second time, he took my happiness with him and my heart felt as it was stumped by thousands of people.


	2. Empty

It's been almost 2 weeks since I last saw Calum. Every night I still cry. Every few days I take out the pain on myself with something sharp. It was a Sunday afternoon. I was sitting in a local cafe with my so called best friend. She was talking about some boy. I almost had enough, but she was the only thing I had left ever since he left me.

"Oh no, please don't start thinking of him again. Ugh this is a curse." I thought looking down at my coffee that was now cold.

"Hey, are you okey?" She said with a worried look.

"Ye-yeah, Im going to get more sugar" I quickly got up and heading towards this stand with sugar and cream. On my way I bump into one of Calum's friends, Luke.

"Oh sorry, I didn't se-" he started. He gave me an awkward smile.

"Hey Luke" I smiled back, lifting my hand up to push my hair out my face, slightly making my sleeve fall down a bit revealing my scars.

His eyes widen. Before he could question what he just saw, I push past him, towards the door, not bothering to look back or anything. Right when I turned by the corner I heard my name being called. It was him running. Oh no, this can't be good. I didn't stop, I kept pushing through people without looking back. Eventually I felt Luke turn me around and pull me aside from everyone.

" you can't just walk away and pretend I didn't see anything" he said, pausing at every word to catch his breathe.

All I did was stare at his blue eyes, trying to figure out a way of telling him anything. He stared at me waiting for a reply. I dont even know how he suddenly cares so much again.

"It was nothing okey, just leave me alone, I have to go." I desperately said, trying to remove myself from his grip.

"If you have to go somewhere I'll take you, and that would give us plenty of time to talk about that" he responded, giving a quick glance at my scars when he says 'That'.

I sigh. He leads me to his car, and opens the door for me. I couldn't help but remember how Calum use to open the door for me, and use to give me a smile that made me melt. When he finally got in, I start to play with my fingers.

"Where are you heading to?" He asks, with a sarcastic tone.

He knows that I'm lying. Back when calum and I we're dating, he was the one I was closest with. He was even the one who hooked us up. We use to talk a lot about everything, he would tell me how crazy his life has become in just a year. I ruined it all.

I sigh. "I don't really have to go anywhere."

He looked at me unsurprised. He started the car and started driving.

"Why are you doing that to yourself? Please tell me it's not why I think you do." He asks in a worried tone.

"Why else do you want me to say I do. I am alone. I left everything behind for him and now I'm empty" I quickly look out the window, covering my mouth, knowing I said more than what I wanted to say. He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly his phone rang.


	3. You Know Me Too Well

He pulled over at a dock. I turned to him in confusion. "We use to come here all the time, I'm surprised you don't remember" he said, sounding a bit hurt.

"I remember, I just don't know why you brought me here" I softly replied

"Because I know that this place reminds you of good times, even if we haven't spoken in a while, I still know this." he replied looking out in the distance.

I stayed quiet. He was right, but happy memories hurt me because, I know I can never bring back those feelings. No matter what I do. He leads me to sit on the edge.

"why do you hurt yourself?" he asked sounding even more hurt this time, "you know you could tell me anything and I would never judge you, only try to help you."

"I've just been going through a very tough time.. I don't even know what to do sometimes but this" I reply, trying to hold in the tears.

He moves closer to give me a hug. I weakly hugged him back accidentally letting tears escape my eyes. All I could do is stay in his grip even if I felt uncomfortable letting him see my weakness.

"Don't cry, you know you are way better than this. I don't understand why you are-" he starts.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore" I cut him off wiping a tear off my cheek.

I start to get up but he instantly grabs my forearm in attempt to keep me in place. "where are you going?" he asks. I dont respond. He lets go of me, and I start to make my way home. The place where I can hide all my feelings in and no one would ever know. Each time I looked back at him, he was staring at me waiting for something. I tried to keep walking but I just couldn't walk away from the little bit of possible happiness I might actually have hanging out with Luke again. As I turned around, he was still waiting, waiting for me to come back. I just don't understand why he's being so caring. Don't get me wrong he is usually caring, but after so long without talking to each other it just seems unusual. Maybe it's just me not being use to someone actually caring.

"You know me too well Hemmings" I forced a soft laughed, as I sat back down next to him.

"Yes, yes I do" he said with a half smile.

There was an awkward silence for a while. Every few minutes we would look at each other and look away.

" So, how's everything?" I asked trying to break the tension.

"It's been amazing, it's more than I could have ever imagined" he said, turning to me.

_____

By the time the sun was almost set and we both were still there chatting about dumb things and catching up with each other.  
"I think it's time for me to get home, I have to work tomorrow" I said, getting myself on my feet.  
he quickly follows my actions, and walks with me towards his car. As he stopped in front of my small house, he turns to look at me expecting something from me. That is something that is making me feel uncomfortable. It reminded me so much of when Calum would drive me home when he would take me out and he would always be expecting a kiss or something like that. *flashback* "Hey babe come help me with these boxes please" Calum yelled. I rushed to the front yard where all these boxes were laid. As I picked one of the boxes up, I glanced at Calum, who was looking at me with a cute little smile, expecting something. He started blowing playful kisses. I carefully placed the box next to me and connected my lips with his. *end of flashbacks* "Well, it was really great that we got to hang out like back in the days" I said, with a fake smile. Like always, it's like I sew that smile on my face, so no one will see through it. "Yes, it was, we should do this again" he smiled, still looking at me. Right before the tension grew I somewhat hugged him and rushed inside the house.


	4. You're Not The Same

When I walked inside your house, a wave of anger and sadness grew inside me. Luke reminded me so much of Calum. It anger me so much that I was dumb enough to leave Calum, But I couldn't help it, my insecurities ruled me. The mixed emotions lead me to the bathroom, in search of that razor. The razor trembled in my hand. I couldn't properly place it over my forearm.

"FUCK!" I yelled in frustration. With that I dropped to my knees and began to sob until everything went black.

The sound of my phone ringing woke me up. As I lifted myself from the bed, I glanced at myself in the mirror. Noticing the dried up tears, and the messy hair I had.

"Who's this?" I spoke into the phone.

"What ever happened to a proper hello?" My best friend replied.

I sigh, knowing that she was going to question why I left out of the blue the day before.

"You ditched me again yesterday. What is wrong with you? You are not acting like you anymore" she began.

Her voice began to irritate me. It made me feel like she wasn't really worrying about what feeling caused me to ditch her but, why did I make her look bad in front of the people we were supposed to hang out with. She was that type of friend that didn't care about the things I felt, but how those things would make her look.

"I remember I had a meeting, and I swore that I sent you a text about it " I lied.

"mhm" was all she said. I sigh before she hung up.

I began to wonder around my house, trying to ignore the fact that she would probably not talk to you until she had no one else to be around.

I decided to text Luke. He was the reason why I ditched your friend. Although I had no feelings for him, he drew me closer to him. He reminded me so much of Calum. It must be that. It was wrong of me but I couldn't resist yourself.

"Hey Luke, are you busy?" I typed.

A few minutes later he replied, " Not really, why? Do you want to hang out? :)".

"maybe :P"

*about an hour later*

I run to the door, to find Luke's tall figure there.

"Hey" he said as he hugged me.

I lead him to the couch, and put on a random movie.

"Did you get in trouble for ditching?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yeah, she was super mad because, it made her look weird" I said pretending it amused me.

He giggled then he began focusing on the movie.

I tried to focus but soon I grew bored of it. A thought came up but you quickly tried to push it away.

No way I were going to try to do that, but I craved someones touch so badly. He was the closes to the person I craved the most.

"This is boring" I began.

He turns to look at me. I began to feel nervous because it was always Calum to lead you on.

*Flash Back*

"You look so pretty when your annoyed" Calum stated as he began to smirk. He began to kiss down my neck. I tried so hard not to moan.

He found my soft spot and began to suck on it. I couldn't resist how much I craved him. I began to tug the hem of his shirt, signaling him to remove it. He did so and connected his lips with mine. He removed mines and began kissing down to the hem of my pants. He unzipped my pants and slowly pulled them down to my knees. He kissed my inner thighs, working his way to my core.

"Calum please don't tease" I managed to say.

He crashed his lips on to mine. Without breaking the kiss he undid my bra and threw it across the room. I try to undo his pants but this feelings couldn't allow me. He does the job on his own, Removing both his pants and underwear. He lets out a moan of relief. I began to remove my underwear, but he quickly stops me. I look at him with a confused expression.

"You have to blow me first" he states with a smirk.

He stands on his knees, and I sit right below him. Nervously I take his length and-

*end of flash back*

My flack back was soon interrupted by something Luke said.

Unsure of what he said, I asked, " wait what?"

"I Said then what do you want to do instead?" he repeated, looking at my lips.


	5. Stop Teasing

Without a response I stare at him. My mind is jumping back and forth thinking about wether I should make a move or not. " I dunno, What do you want to do?" I ask, trying to buy myself time to think of a way to lead him on. He looks around hunting for something to do. I could tell he is clueless of what I desire. Right when he looks back at me without any new idea, I crash my lips on his. To my surprised he kissed me back. I didn't know what else to do but keep kissing him. I couldn't seem to know wether I liked him or not, but I just desired some affection, and I had to satisfy myself with anything since it was me who pushed him away. He pulls his head away and takes a deep breath. "Listen I can't do this to Calum, you know he's my best mate, and you guys barely have a month separated" he stated, moving a bit away from me. I couldn't think of what to say. I just looked at him, faking a sad expression. "Im sorry, I don't know what got into me" I lied. "I mean I want to, but its just wrong" he said, looking down. "I guess cause ever since me and him broke up, I began to always be sad and you came in and made me start to smile" I stated, it was true though. Luke made me smile a bit more. I began to feel bad that I just want Luke to have sex with. There is no turning back though. He just looked down for another minute, deciding whether or not to go for it. He lifted his head up, and brought my head towards him to continue the make out session. I slowly smile in the kiss, as I pushed myself on top of him. His hands began to make their way up my shirt. I broke apart from his lips to quickly remove the shirt. He followed my actions He began to massage my boobs and then his hands began to move down to my pants. I softly moaned as he removed them. Kissing up my inner tights until he reached the place I wanted him most. He stares at me with a devilish smirk. "Please stop teasing" I begged, feeling his breath at my heat. Ignoring what I said, he traces circles on it, Making my breath uneven. "please, stop teasing!" I manage to say. He finally stops and rises his head to meet mines. "Maybe we should take this to your room" he smirks. He wraps my legs around his waist and carry me to my room. As he delicately places me on the bed, he lowers his head back to its previous place. He slowly removes my panties. He starts to rub my heat. I throw your head back in pleasure.He inserts a finger into me. In responce I arc my back. He starts to curl his fingers adding more pleasure. I started to feel the familiar feeling in my stomach. Right before I came on his finger, he pulls out. I groan in lost of contact. He begins to remove his pants. Just by looking at his hard one, made me even more turn on. I could tell it was big. Before he removes his boxers, I start to rub it. He moans loudly and throws his head back. I continue until his breath began to get uneven. He quickly remove his boxers and pulled me close to him. I straddled him, and pushed my body so close to his, leaving no space in-between. He leaned back on the header board of the bed, as I wrapped your arms around his neck. He picked up his and slowly inserted the tip in. I shut my eyes and moaned. He pulls it out and Pushes it further in. I begin to rock my hips. I feel his hands lightly hold on my hips, as time went by his grip grew tighter. He slowly began thrusting into me. He flipped me over, taking control. He begins go deeper. I hold onto his biceps. He picks up my legs and puts them over his shoulder, allowing him to go even deeper. I began to moan even louder. He began to thrust even faster and deeper. I felt that feeling again in my stomach. "I'm about to.." ,I couldn't even finish my words. "Hold it for just a bit" he says between thrusts. He then leans down to suck on my neck. I shut my eyes as I moan. His thrust begin to get faster and sloppier. His moans begin to grow louder. I could barely hold on anymore. He thrusted a few more times and that was enough to throw me over the edge. He quickly followed too. He rested his head on my chest as we both came down from our highs. He kissed my lips before laying next to me. I smiled to myself. He pulls me closer to him to cuddle with him.


	6. I Gotta Tell You Something

It was quiet for a while until, he came back down from cloud 9 and mumbled something.

"what was that?" I asked, lifting my head up from his chest.

" I have to go" he repeated, now rushing up and getting dress.

-

I hear my phone ringing in the distance. I was too busy drowning in this wave of depression. I try to get up and pick it up, but the heavy sadness pulled me back down. It was probably Luke again. Ever since that night he has been acting strange. I hoped it wasnt him falling for me. I felt uncomfortable by the thoughts of Luke having a crush on me. That night all I wanted was a some affection, nothing else. I finally force myself and answer the phone.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey, its me Luke, I was just calling to see if you were available, I want to tell you something" he nervously answered.

"I was supposed to go somewhere, but its nothing big I'll just cancel" I lied, feeling nervous since he would usually be able to tell weather I were lying or not.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah Positive"

I'm sure he's smiling.

-

As I took a last look in the mirror, I heard a Luke's car pull over in my driveway.

I quickly went out the door to his car. He tried getting out the car to open the door for me but I asked him to stay inside.

*FLASHBACK*

"Hey babe, hold on tight to me" Calum said before he exit out the door, holding my hand.

I was surprised by so many girls crowded outside the mall just because Calum Hood was there. I felt people pushing me and flashing lights aiming at me. To my surprise by the time we got to his car, Calum opened the door for me, then ran to his side. I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he wanted me to be first saved from all that wildness, than him, the one who was being attacked.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

"Hey" Luke smiled at me.

"Hey" I replied, doing the best fake smile I can do.

-

"Okay, I'm going to blind fold you. You are gonna have to trust me okay" he said with a huge grin.

The next thing I knew he was carefully leading me somewhere. He held me so softly, Like if his grip got a bit tight I would break.

"Ready?" He asked. I felt his breath on my neck, causing me to get goosebumps. He finally remove the blindfolds. Revealing a tree, with lights all around its branches. Right on the bottom there was a quilt. All I can do is smile, but I still felt nervous of what else was he planning.

"What this for?" I asked.

All he did was smile and lay down on the quilt. He motioned me lay right next to him.

I stared at the stars, while Luke obviously was distracted by me.

"So what did you wanted to tell me?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"well..I..uhh... you see" he struggled, he then took a deep breath and continued, "Ever since I ran into you a few months ago, I have changed a lot".

I was hoping he didn't bring up what he found out about me. I was sure I would break down right in front of him. There is no way I am going to show him that I still hurt. I tried to hear what he was trying to explain to me, but my fear was loader than his voice. But those 3 words switch from fear to confusion.

"I-I.. I Love You".


	7. Using Me

I stared at him in disbelieve. I was never seeing this coming. I don't feel the same. Suddenly I felt a mixture of anger and shame, How could he be so stupid and not see that I'm not ready for this, but at the same time I did play him for my own needs. I saw a worry expression on his face. I hesitated. I kissed him. He passionately kissed back, cupping my face with his hand. I pulled back.

"Im sorry, Im not feeling good..Im so sorry" I lied. I didn't know what else to do. I felt horrible.

—

Scrolling thru twitter, all I see is people talking about how Luke and I kissed. I saw some others calling me a whore, or gold digger. I tried so hard to be strong. No one understands what I feel. I just need someone to care about me; That all i need Is Love, Someone to care about me. They all usually care but then it just fades. Even my own parents lost interest in me.

*FLASHBACK*

I look down at the phone my foster mom handed me. She attempted to persuade me to talk by smiling. 

"Hello.." I slowly answer.

"Hi..you" I heard my mothers drunken voice. Im surprised after 5 months without showing a sign of life ,I can still remember how she sounds. 

"What do you want?" I say, as my foster mom walks out of the room to give me privacy. For a moment I felt some sort of happiness, I missed my mom so much, but ever since her stupid boyfriend left her she just decided to change.

"i just wanted to know if you could do me a favor" she said. That bit of happiness faded. I could image her having to support her body on something so she wouldn't fall. Last time i saw her, she had dyed her hair black, she wore a worn out red dress and glittery red heels. Her hair was a complete mess and she carried the scene of alcohol all around.

"What is it?" I answered coldly.

"Do you have so money i can bo-" I hung up. I collapse on the floor crying. No one cares. No one loves me. Everyone uses me for their own advantages. 

*END OF FLASHBACK*

I didn't realize I was crying until I heard someone banging on my front door. 

"I'll be there in a second!" I yelled, trying to get yourself together. 

As I opened the door, scared it would be Luke trying to

apologize about last night. My heart stopped to see Calum standing there looking angry.


	8. It's None of Your Business

He clear his throat, like he was expecting for me to say something.

"umm..hi" I managed to say in a low voice. I was scared to say or do anything else. I don't know why but i felt that his presence wasn't for a good reason.

"Can I come in?" He said in a harsh voice. I wanted to just close the door on his face but, I knew he wouldn't quit then. I just stepped aside and he walked in and sat on the couch, looking around at the mess I had. 

"sooo wh-" I awkwardly began to say until he just cut me off.

"Cut it out! I'm sure you know damn well what I'm here for!" He yelled. I just stayed in complete silence, I didn't know how else to react. at least at the moment I didn't. 

"Say something!" He added after a moment of silence.

"What do you want me to say?!" I replied, starting to get a bit frustrated.

"I want you tell me why the hell are you trying to manipulate Luke, and make him fall for you. He's my best mate, and i won't let you ruin our friendship… i won't let you hurt him, like you hurt me!" He yelled. 

Now i felt angry. Although deep down inside i knew he was right about the Luke thing, but i need his attention, its all his fault though. And how dare he come and claim that I hurt him. That made me furious. Now this anger is controlling my words.

"What are you talking about?! I am not using Luke! Last night after that..that kiss, i left telling him i couldn't do it! And you can't say that i hurt you because, I still have a lot of founds cause of you!" I fired at him. I wanted to punch him so mad, but i knew my smaller figure would never cause any harm to him. 

He sarcastically laughed, "So you are telling me that I hurt you? You are telling me that all those times that i had to suck up all of those moments when you decided to only think about yourself, you think that never hurt me? You think that was easy to go thru? Or having to stop being friends with certain people because you felt jealous? Damn you are so selfish!". 

By now I felt like crying. Its like he never knew the other half of the story. Never remembering the reason why I had those anxiety attacks, or why i hated so many of his girl friends. Although I was furious, deep down i hoped he was only saying this because he was angry, or maybe jealous. I do hope he is jealous. Just thinking about it made me feel better.

"Why do you care anyway? It's not like its any of your business" I scold. He took a deep breathe and walked towards the door. 

"Whatever, It's not like I'm worrying about you, it's Luke that I am worried about. Don't want him to be picking up trash mistaking it for something else" He said before closing the door. Those last words stung. I tried to fight back the tears but sooner or later they escaped. I tried to stop but that would result in me crying harder. I felt so much hate towards him, but i hate myself cause in that hate I felt something else, Love. 

—

I still felt that mixture of anger and sadness. Something trigger in me and I decided to call Luke. I bet he was still upset about the other day. 

"Hello" He finally picked up at the second ring. 

"Hey, Im so sorry about the other day, I felt nervous, and I didn't know what else to do" I said. He stayed quiet for a second. I began to feel a bit nervous.

"It's okay, I said it too soon" You could hear the sadness in his voice. 

"No, it wasn't" I somewhat lied. It wasn't completely a lie, its good to know that someone can see passed all this heartache I still have.

"Do you really mean it?" He softly asked. His innocent voice made me feel a bit overwhelmed, but I just ignored it. 

"Yea" I answered after a small pause, "Do you want to come over?".

"Sure, I'll be there in like 10 minutes." He said, with a happy tone. 

I had to lock my emotions from previously. I don't want Calum to ruin this, because There could be two different endings; He can end up being the villein or I can be.


	9. What Do You Wanna Do?

I heard my door bell ring, exactly 10 minutes after talking with Luke, wow this kid doesn't play. 

"Hey!" I greeted him, following with a hug. He hugged back and placed a kiss on my forehead.

I allowed him in. He never bothered to look around this messy living room. I knew he probably thought about how messy it looks, I hope he knows that there's too much going on inside me to be able to clean it. 

"Soo.." He spoke, sitting down," What do you wanna do?"

"Well, I was thinking, we should go outside to where we use to go for ice cream a few years ago, its such a nice day" I said, As a smile began to creep on his face. 

As we both walked out the door i offered him my hand. I felt kinda nervous, but he didn't hesitate to take it. I couldn't explain why I even offered him my hand but I just did. He gave my hand a little squeeze, as we walked down this familiar place. He seemed to smile at the memories we had here, but all i did was try to keep myself together. I tried to tell myself that its time to just let it go. Im with Luke now, and there is no need to think about, HIM anymore.

FLASHBACK

I raced to the Luke's front door, I repeatably rang the door bell. After a goo minute Michael opened the door.

"HIYYAA" I screamed.

"HIIII" He yelled back.

We both giggled, as the rest of the boys gathered by the door. There was one of them I didn't recognize but I just didn't bother to ask or anything. I was usually the only girl in the group, but I tried to avoid the idea as much as possible, It sometimes felt uncomfortable. I met Luke when i was 10, that was when I use to live with my foster mom, she was best friends with Luke's mom. We were always at her house. I remembered I sometimes felt jealous because, he had a real family. It was just me and my foster mom. But anyway, me and him just became really close.

"Mom, we are going out!" He yelled, as we all left the house. 

We barely made it down the streets before Michael decides to yell,"Race you all down the street!"

I began to run as fast as my short legs allowed me. Most time it was Michael or Luke that would win, since they are taller than me. This time, that boy won. When we made it down the road, I took the moment to finally look at him well. He was as tall as Luke. He has black hair and he is tanned. I felt butterflies in my stomach, the more I thought about how good looking he is the worse the feeling was. 

"Hey we haven't introduced you to our friend" Luke said, looking at me, Im guessing he noticed. 

"I'm Calum" He was all he said, with a small smile on his face. That was all it took for me to just..you know.


	10. Memories

After a few minutes that felt like hours, we finally reached a big signed shaped like a ice cream cone, that read "ricky's ice cream". As we walked inside, I smelled the sweet scent of different ice cream flavors. 

"What do you want, Babe" He said looking down at the list of flavors.

The word 'babe' rang thru my ear canal. I wasn't sure whether to smile at how cute he was, or just stare a him in a disturbed matter. I can't explain how I feel about Luke. Its like part of me actually is starting to catch feelings for him, but then he other half can't seem to let go of Calum. I decided to smile at him, he glanced at me with a small smirk, and turned back to look at the list. 

—

When we finished, we decided to walk some more. We reached this familiar boardwalk and we began to talk about the memories. I smiled as looked around, letting him talk as much as he wanted. The thing with Luke is that to those who don't know him well, he appears shy and quiet but, when he starts to trust you and stuff, he becomes another person. During the times when I use to come here I was happy. I don't understand why I was even happy then nor how or why did I become my regular self again but, I just remember that after sometime I found myself pushing everyone away again, and I began to feel that worthless. I pushed that thought away, trying to smile again. As i came back to reality my smiled quickly turned into a frown, as I saw HIM, sitting on a bench staring out at the sea. He looked like a little boy, who just lost his mother. Again, that part of me that won't let me be free, wanted to go up to him and hug and tell him that I'm solo sorry, and that I don't know what I am doing.

FLASHBACK

"Hey babe, you want to something? I'm going to go get a snack?" I said, pointing behind me. 

"uhhh…can you get me some fries" He said.

I smiled in reply. As i came back, I stopped and looked at him. He was zoned out, just looking out at the sea, barely blinking. I just took all of his image in. I took a deep breath and sat next to him. He took a few seconds to realize that I was there. He smiled, and quickly smiled back. I wondered what is it that he thought when he looked at what ever it was. 

END OF FLASHBACK

I tried to push the thoughts away, but they were just too strong. I didn't want to make Luke notice at all. I forced myself to come back to reality. Noticing Luke look at Calum, then down. He seemed uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. I softly squeezed his hand, and he looked at me and I smiled, just assuring him that it's okay. He kept his face forward. I took my chances, and looked at him one more time. He saw us. I was sure if his face expression was showing pain, anger, or both. I quickly turned my head to look straight. From the corner of my eyes i saw him get up. I prayed he was going to walk up to us. I sighed as he turned the other direction, looking down. I felt a bit of anger, why does have to feel jealous, he left me. He hurt me. At the same time though, I felt satisfaction, never before has anyone been jealous because, I was with someone else. Maybe I might like to stay with Luke, and start being serious with him. I shook the thought away. Luke was looking at me, with a worry look. I knew why.

"It's okay, I'm fine" I assured. Im not sure if I'm lying or not. He didn't seem to convinced but I smiled, and he turned back to look forward. We walked until it was sunset, It was all quiet. I wanted to break the silence but, how? I know because of my stupidity, I ruined his friendship with Calum. I just keep quiet until we reached my house. 

"Do you want to come in?" I finally said.

"No, It's okay, I have to…to do something tomorrow morning. I want to get enough rest" He said.

I just nodded in response.

"Listen, can I ask you something?…About you know.. Calum" he said, looking at the ground.

I hesitated for a moment. "Sure" I replied uncomfortably.

" Do you still have feelings for him?" He asked.

"No, of course not." I lied. 

"Because, when we saw him earlier it seemed like you couldn't get your eyes of him." He said, sounding a bit sad.

"No, I was just suprised that he was there and I didn't want him to confront you or anything." I reassured. I felt my heart beating a bit faster. 

"oh, well don't worry about it. He won't stop us from being together." He replied, resting his forehead on mines and softly kissing my lips. He kissed me another time and smile, before he walked away. As I got in the house I placed down my keys, looking around my living room. I don't know why but I felt like cleaning a bit up.


	11. I Didn't Mean To

*Luke's POV*

When I arrived to the flat I have been sharing with the boys, I notice Calum sitting by the stairs, Looking at the floor, seeming like he's long gone. I have a strange feeling he's been waiting for me.

"Hey" he coldly greeted me.

"Hey" I replied, doing my best not to look at him in the eyes. I can't lie I felt nervous. I really wish he wouldn't hate me, he's one of my best mates. I really like her a lot. Not long after he broke up with her, he began to act like nothing happened and, when I saw her at Starbucks, that day, I felt horrible for not even wonder how she was handling all this. I was always supposed to be there for her as she was here for me many times before and what a fool i was for forgetting when I w—

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" He asked.

"Sure" I forced the word out of my mouth. I sat next to him and sighed.

He took a deep breath, and turned to face me, "I don't want us to become worse enemies over a some girl".

'Some girl' rang in my ear. He made it seem like he considered her worthless all of the sudden. Like for 2 years he didn't consider her as his everything.I began to feel annoyed. I didn't want us to become enemies either. Its just that the locked away feelings just got me at last, and I assumed he moved on. At least he made it seem like he did. I never mean to upset Calum. "me neither..listen I thought you moved on from her, I didn't expect you to get upset" I softly spoke.

His expression changed. He seemed to be offended by my words. 

"How could you not fucking mean to upset me when you knew Im in love with her. Ever we ended it, I have been burning inside, You can't even find sympathy for me" He tried to keep his calm. I could tell he was fighting back tears. I just sat there in silence, unsure of how to reply. I felt bad. Because of me I'll end up loosing one of my best mates, but I pushed that feeling aside for now. 

"You didn't seem like you were in love with her, I mean going out with different girls every night and coming back drunk most times, wow, you showed so much grief" I replied, Feeling my face heat up with anger. 

He laughed,"Why do you think I broke up with her?"

I knew he was trying to make turn this conversation around. Make it seem like he was the good guy. 

" She's crazy, she has some problems she has never solved and its hard to deal with that… I don't want to lose one of my best mates and I don't want you to get hurt… I know she's using you just so she could feel good about herself" He continued, with a much softer voice, without letting me reply.

"Not again with this!" I yelled at him, clenching my fist.

He looked at me straight in the eyes.

I began to make my way to door, quickly searching for my keys. I heard him say something but, i was too busy trying to get inside and ignore all this. 

I could help but to turn my head and look at him.

"I said I really LOVE her" He said, emphasizing the 'love'.

I clenched my jaw and turned back to the stairs. I wanted to punch him, but all I could do is run as fast as i could down the stairs. I got into my car, and drove off to her house. 

*END OF LUKE POV*

I just laid there, too lazy to do anything. Part of me felt like my life would finally get together for once, but yet i was so confused. I heard some sound, but I ignored it until i heard it for the second time. It was the door bell. I tried to make out the numbers on the clock, 2:19 A.M. Wow, I should have been asleep so long ago.

"Who is it?" I sleepily asked.

"It's me, Luke".


End file.
